Monday, January 15, 2018

Time to make dinner.

Today is not a good day.

I feel off.

I don’t feel good. I have trepidation and I want to just stop the ride. I want it all to stop — the responsibilities, the caring, the actions I have to take.

I’m just done. I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I’m ready to be someone else with someone else’s problems.

I look in the mental mirror and I want to gag.

Of course, I’ve not done anything about the above. I’ve been wallowing in it. I’ve not taken a walk or gotten some fresh air. I’ve not been adhering to my medication schedule or eating right.

I’ve been wasting my time instead of doing something productive.

So, now that I realize that I’m still my own worst enemy, it’s time to make dinner.

Thursday, January 04, 2018

Pattern Recognition

More numbers.

More numbers.

More numbers.

This is where the focus needs to be. I need the numbers lower. I need them to be tightly grouped. I need to move them with behavior. I need to make better choices. I need to move more. I need to do more. Less is more. This is the present leading to the future.

More numbers.

More numbers.

More numbers.

Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Expectations

I have published my credo for 2018 in another place under another alias.

I don't expect your understanding. I expect your support. If you cannot support, leave.

I have friends and acquaintances across multiple mediums. I have supported them even though I do not understand where they are or what they are going through. I have made sacrifices for them in this support. Many of these people have reciprocated in kind.

They have allowed me to stretch and move. They have shown me the difference between choice and destiny. They have shown me that the world is what we make of it. It is better to be broke and happy rather than broke and disappointed.

My depression is going to be there. My reality is going to change though. I have to keep pushing if I don’t understand. I have to support even though I do not understand. I cannot leave though. You can.

You can leave if you choose. If you cannot leave, then support.

Here is the line in the proverbial sand. Step up or walk the fuck back to where you were.

Hell yes, I’m angry. I’m angry about what I’ve done to myself and allowed myself to think. I’m angry that somehow I felt I wasn’t worth the effort. I’m angry that I felt I wasn’t worth the support and love of friends and family.

This credo is not just for those who are interacting with me, but for myself as well. I am worth it. I am skilled. And I do deserve the love of friends and family. More than that, I deserve my own self-respect.

Monday, January 01, 2018

Daily Living

Dreams plagued me last night.

Arguments that never happened, issues that were never brought up, feelings that were never expressed. I have no idea if this was a representation of my own anxiety or not. I suppose it has to be. They were sketchy, these visions. They had the feel of conversation, but I know it was all fiction. I knew in the dreamstate that I was dreaming, but I wasn’t lucid.

I woke several times during the night because of these dreams. Well, that and my consistent shoulder pain. I heard the revelers celebrating with their explosions. I woke again some two hours later thinking I should get up and start writing about things in poetic form. I pushed blankets aside and slept for another four hours.

Still, I want this to be a positive thing instead of just random chemicals in my brain trying to balance out. I want my anxiety to be resolved. I want to leave these things in the past where they can do me no harm.

Some will say, “Just do it,” or “Just keep happy thoughts in your focus.” It’s not that easy. I see what I’ve done with my life and I’m disappointed. I’m a no one. I’m not important. I’m just another cog in an organic grist mill spewing out broken dreams that have been kept by a middle-aged man.

Yes, it is a grisly vision. I know.

It is a pitiful self-fulfilling prophetic vision. That, and it is not an original nightmare. We all have been here. We’ve all had a stay at this particular darkened tea house. I’m not even special in that. I’m just another statistic, just another guy in crisis without a strong support structure.

So, like many others, I have to rely upon myself. I have to rely upon myself and remember that I’m doing the best that I can for my mental health. I have to expand to include my physical health into this. This hasn’t changed in the 8 years I’ve been dealing with my Diabetes.

The change has to be more important than the status quo. I have to be more important than the status quo. The status quo is not a healthy place to inhabit.

So, I have to keep on myself and deal with the failures. I have to look at these things as they are instead of how I interpret them. My lenses are shaded and my attitude is poor.

The motivation I have right now may not exist tomorrow. I have to take it a day at a time and remember that I can survive almost anything for a day. I can survive the soulless atmosphere. I can survive the ignorance that surrounds me. I can survive on less. I can survive and push through what I keep doing to myself.

I have to keep asking, “What’s it going to take?”

Sunday, December 31, 2017

The Year in Review

The year has been difficult for me.

My mother died. My stepson was in a severe accident. I got pneumonia. I shelled out $2500 for a plumbing leak to be fixed by two different companies. My Diabetes is getting worse. My job is becoming more difficult with the addition of new employees both domestically and globally. My stress is high. My wife doesn’t really understand what is running through my mind.

I took a psychological evaluation and found out that I “have strange and unusual thoughts,” “do not communicate well,” and “have to make peace with the past.” The cream on that last stack was that it was simultaneously my choice and based on both my upbringing and my mother’s.

The year has been a long block of being struck in a vice. Pressure was applied consistently. It was hard to breathe. I felt that there was no release. Every time I turned around another thing slammed me against the wall. There was no point in trying to fight it, I just had to take it. There was no other latitude. There was no maneuverability. There was no running.

It was a grinding year. Day after day I was pushed into a tiny cell in my mind that had little to no room to see any kind of light. Black shades drifted in and out of my vision. I struggled against the bindings that seemed to keep me in place. All I could do was wait until the stress subsided. All I could do was wait until I came into some kind of acceptance that there was no quick way out of this disastrous year.

I’m still not out of the darkness. I’m still not financially solvent from the cost of the plumbing and hospitalization. Emotionally, I’m still a wreck. I still have the burdens that sprung up. New ones are coming.

I suppose that there’s really no secret to survival. There’s really no escape from the ashen skies that roll through my mind. It’s just that it is. It is the now that I’m living.

The question still comes to me from deep within asking me, “What are you doing to change?”

It’s the same as it ever was.

Not much.

Therein lies the rub. Nothing is going to change until I do. No instance of burden or travesty of complication is going to let me go until I conquer the thing inside of me that let’s me fall down and stay down. Nothing is going to release me until I resolve the feelings that cause me to tread down the path of failure.

I know I keep running around the same circle. I’m a dog chasing his tail. It’s easier to run and keep running. It’s easier to try to keep everything stuffed down. It’s easier to follow that path of least resistance.

It’s not gotten me much.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Born on a Monday…

I don’t know when it became so, that feeling that I was in the wrong place spinning my wheels. I do know that society seems to make me think that in order to be a success, I must have wealth and a life of leisure. I know that society seems to make me think that the only way to be a success is to follow the rules and be a cog in a machine that seems to do nothing and go nowhere.

Society.

The same functionary body that has elected a Larfleezian Entrepreneur that wants to change the government into a representation of a business model that cannot function. A group that doesn’t seem to understand the difference between consent and coercion. The same group that wants what’s good for them despite what’s good for all.

Yes, this society.

Here I am trying to follow the established rules. I try to provide for my family. I stay at the job because of the insurance, not the gratitude given. I follow the guidelines established by those before me and try to do the best I can. Oftentimes, it is not the greatest.

I am still about $4,000 in debt because of hospitalization and consumer spending. I am overly concerned in my comfort rather than trying to work my body back into a healthy representation of myself. I write words and copy stories that others have written to make myself feel better.

I am a hack at life. I go through the motions and achieve little.

Still, I want to believe that I am making a difference. I want to believe that I matter in the grand scope of things. I want to believe that my overwhelming ego is justified in something.

But is it really what I am after?

What peace is in this path?

What prize is at the end of this game?