Monday, November 13, 2017

Born on a Monday…

I don’t know when it became so, that feeling that I was in the wrong place spinning my wheels. I do know that society seems to make me think that in order to be a success, I must have wealth and a life of leisure. I know that society seems to make me think that the only way to be a success is to follow the rules and be a cog in a machine that seems to do nothing and go nowhere.

Society.

The same functionary body that has elected a Larfleezian Entrepreneur that wants to change the government into a representation of a business model that cannot function. A group that doesn’t seem to understand the difference between consent and coercion. The same group that wants what’s good for them despite what’s good for all.

Yes, this society.

Here I am trying to follow the established rules. I try to provide for my family. I stay at the job because of the insurance, not the gratitude given. I follow the guidelines established by those before me and try to do the best I can. Oftentimes, it is not the greatest.

I am still about $4,000 in debt because of hospitalization and consumer spending. I am overly concerned in my comfort rather than trying to work my body back into a healthy representation of myself. I write words and copy stories that others have written to make myself feel better.

I am a hack at life. I go through the motions and achieve little.

Still, I want to believe that I am making a difference. I want to believe that I matter in the grand scope of things. I want to believe that my overwhelming ego is justified in something.

But is it really what I am after?

What peace is in this path?

What prize is at the end of this game?

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Wind, fire, all that kind of thing!

I don’t know why I cannot have a simple life. One where I can be focused and healthy. One where I can be myself and allow what beauty inside me to blossom.

There are times when I can achieve a sense of separation from my life and my mind. I can see that all is not darkness and failure. It’s as if I can move through and make the right choices. I can list what needs to happen in the correct order. It’s as if I have control.

Of course, these are the times where I am feeling somewhat like myself. Well, what I remember what being myself feels like.

When I’m deep in it, I feel the world bleeding. The wounds that rake across the surface run and overflow infecting others to just rend and tear as a result of the madness that they feel. The maelstrom doesn’t seem to stop.

Within all of this, I have to remember that this is all temporary. All of it. Successes. Failures. Life. Death. It runs in cycles.

Now to try to tune myself to the storm around me and sip on my coffee. It is here that I realize that I am not merely surrounded and buffeted by the storm.

I am the storm.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Tell Me...

Tell me.

Tell me you need me.

Tell me you want me.

Tell me to be myself.

Tell me to not change.

Tell me how smart I am.

Tell me of my strength.

Tell me what you see in my eyes.

Tell me how my words bring you places.

Tell me about the riddled holes in your heart.

Tell me that I’m the only one who understands.

Tell me that I mean something to you.

Tell me how the world would be less without me.

Tell me again.

Tell me with your critical mind and your sharp tongue, as always.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

One Eye Open

I've been running.

Metaphorically.

For far too long.

265.3 pounds.
373 mg/dL

I forgot to pay last month's electric bill.

Fuck.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Morning Quanta

Some choice advice that I have read recently is to speak of joys rather than sorrows. In this, it is thought that one will train their mind to see the good things in all situations rather than finding the problems.

I enjoy the quiet times in the morning when the world has not yet awake. It is pregnant with possibility. It is here when the days are made and the paths are formed. It is here we build our mental and emotional fortitude in order progress through the day.

There are none to oppose your thoughts and visions.

There are none to spread ill will and evil.

There are none to add their manipulations and power.

It is only me and my potential. It is a quantum-level event that has both been created and not created yet. It is where I can feel the presence of my soul and I can hear it clearly.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Fits of Lucidity

For the longest time, I fancied myself as a writer. I have bouts of creativity in between crisis points. I don’t see myself as a writer any longer. I see myself waiting for the inevitable end so I can either be at peace or start over.

This is a morbid and dark view, I know. I’m working my way through it. So many of the last years I’ve lived seem that I’ve been in chrysalis awaiting the metamorphosis that should have been done already. I wonder what it will take for me to finally crawl out of the cocoon.

The anxiety I’m feeling means that I’m not living in the moment. I recognize this. I’m trying to create the future, but I’m doing it in the wrong way. I’m worrying instead of building. I’m simply placated by the worry as it whispers sweetly to me to stand still.

I honestly don’t know what path I’m on anymore or if I’m even walking. What I do know is that I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of the anxiety and the depression. I’m tired of fits of lucidity whilst traveling in a constant fog.