Dust to Dust

4:26 AM 6/24/2019

I'm sure that I could disappear from social media without even a blip. I'm also too afraid to prove myself right.

Lives would go on without me, as they have.

The minuscule void that would be present, if at all, would be filled pretty much instantly.

My impact, much like a mote of dust.

4:51 AM 7/1/2019

It's been five days. No messages. No checkups. No emails.

Yup.

4:38 AM 7/3/2019

To be fair, it's been quite some time since I've sent a message to anyone to check up on them. I suppose you reap what you sow.

5:51 AM 7/4/2019

Perhaps, this is what I deserve. For all the nonsense in the past, for all the times I have failed to recognize and acknowledge, for all the failures without apology.

I am fully aware that this is an echo chamber. I am only hearing what I am speaking. It is being amplified and redirected back to me. There is no other voice than mine.

There is nothing new with this.

It is up to me to change the voice and message. It has always been up to me.

5:40 AM 7/7/2019

Philosophy tells me I'm full of light. Science tells me I'm made of star stuff.

I constantly feel the weight of shadow.

Others have walked the path I'm on in a more successful manner. I do not blaze new trails. I pick up what has been left behind and try to rework it into something that is beholden to me.

I try to show it as something that is neat or keen.

It's just like 'XYZ.' Oh, that's just a poor man's attempt at 'XYZ.' This is just 'XYZ' in a coat of paint.

Frankly, I don't care if it's just like something else. I don't care if you think I'm just following the steps of someone else. I'm not riding on their cape.

The more you say these things, the more thoughts of insecurity worm their way into the core of someone. The more the imposter rises from within. The more the shade starts to speak instead of the light.

I can't help but wonder if this hasn't been the problem all along.

Something New

Honestly, I don't know why I keep up the appearance of calling myself a 'writer.'

It's clear that I don't have the wherewithal to break out. I have been dwindling down to the point where daily tweets to writing prompts are difficult to maintain. My friendships, such as they are, are also slim.

I'm tired and not motivated.

Tired of not having the right attitude. Well, change it, they're going to say. It's a cyclic pattern. Work the day job, come home, feed myself, nap, wait for the spouse, sit, feed again, water the plants, wish for a better life, and then off to bed. Repeat as needed.

Well, change it.

It's easy to say to change what's wrong from the outside. It's easy to give the advice when you're not in the situation. It's easy to talk about it rather than live it.

I know I'm the only one who can change it. I know. I just don't see the use of trying to do so anymore. I want to just sleep and let it be done so I can do something new.

What Is Present

I know that I may never be recognized for what I do.

I know that I should not be consumed by this.

It doesn't change the pain that is present.



I know that it is temporary feeling and it will pass.

I know that I will be back in the light at some point.

It doesn't change the pain that is present.

A Conversation

Inspired by @Slam_Words 22nd Edition

"Stay for me?"

"No, not for you. Never for you. I would have to stay for me."

"What do you mean 'for you?'"

"I mean, it would have to be for me. It would be false otherwise. It would cause this nebulous thing between us."

"Like what's happening now?"

"No, not like what's happening now. It would be different, this thing."

"This thing?"

"Yes, this is a different thing than what would be between us if I stayed for you."

"You're an ass."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I don't want your apology, I want you to want to stay!"

"I don't think it would be right for me to stay."

"Why not?"

"You know I have feelings for you."

"That's just another way to say it's over. What in the hell is wrong with you? 'I have feelings for you.' Jesus!"

"It's true, though. I do have feelings for you."

"But not those feelings, right? RIGHT?"

"To be honest.."

"Yeah, yeah. I remember the drill. 'We can still be friends.'"

"We can."

"In what world? You can't even look me in the eye. Look at me. Do you even see me anymore?"

"I see you."

"Do you, really?"

"Yes, I see you. I see what this has caused."

"You haven't seen AN-Y-THING, yet."

"What is that supposed to mean? I know you're hurt, but there's no reason for --"

"I wish I could tell you that you've never hurt me, ever. But you've wormed your way deep inside."

"Your reactions have made it clear. I cannot stay. Even for me."

"My reactions? You break into my shell and get inside of me and when I ask you to stay, you tell me that I'm not enough. You can take your reasons and leave them at home, wherever that's going to be."

"There are reasons that I cannot go into."

"I don't believe it. Now there are reasons for this bullshit?"

"Yes."

"Mysterious and monosyllabic, as ever."

"It's, complicated."

"It doesn't have to be."

"But it is."

"No, it's simple. You don't want to be here."

"You're not the only one who's impacted, you know."

"This is breaking my heart and cracking my soul. Impacted. That's really the word you want to use? Not hurt.' Not afraid. Not --"

"It is the right word.

"You're not just an ass, you're heartless."

"Technically, you are correct. I have no heart as you know it. I cannot deny that you've met me at a strange time in my life. What we have experienced will remain with me for longer than you may understand."

"What!?"

"I am not from this world and I cannot stay."