Sips and Spoonfuls

I am in the middle of Week 1. I have 5 scars on my abdomen where the laparoscopic instruments penetrated my insides and removed tissue. I am off of Metformin and Humalog. I have a drastically reduced sliding scale to use on my Toujeo.

There is some pain. It is to be expected. My stomach was essentially burned and cauterized into a new shape. Much of it removed. The pain is not intolerable. Swallowing too much liquid at once also causes some distress. There is no chugging of anything.

My diet for the next few days consists of liquid. Protein shakes, broth, herbal tea, and sugar-free Jell-o are the fare. These and water.

I am relearning about hunger and what to recognize about it. It feels differently now. I know I have to ‘eat,’ but it’s more of a chore than it used to be. I suppose it’s for the best.

Throughout the process, I am sure that there will be more lessons, both physical and emotional. At the moment, I am in a void, not sure where to proceed. The idea is to let my body and mind heal.

For now, I continue on this seemingly silent path. Living by sips and eating by spoonfuls.

Changes Coming

Friends.

As you may know, I’ve been fighting Diabetes since February of 2010. Steadily, I’ve been losing that battle due to a variety of reasons. Mainly, my own lack of will and unlimited funds. Coming soon, I will be taking a more permanent solution towards resolving the issue.

The surgery is going to remove about 75% of my stomach. This is going to effectively force the issue on meal portions and nutrition. There are some added effects that will reduce the work on my pancreas and liver in regards to my Diabetes.

This is Week 0.

I will have to take nutritional supplements for the rest of my life. I will also have to become a more mindful eater and drinker. I will not be able to eat and drink at the same time. My portion sizes will be down to a size that’s frankly unbelievable.

There are going to be many challenges. I have to learn about new limitations. I have to be mindful of what’s going on in my body. Hopefully this will also lead me to a more mindful life.

Not much else to say. The path before me is not an easy one, but it is the one that seems to check off many items. Here’s to it and to you who have been there with me.

Shadows and Footsteps

I cannot help but wonder about the effect my vanishing would cause. Am I really that crucial to the others around me? Is my ego that entwined?

At this point, my brother-in-law is suffering from cancer. My sister-in-law is in jail because one of her springs became unsprung. My live-in son lives in his room even though he is over 30. My other son is going on with his life with no need of me.

My wife. My wife is worried about too many other things including my diabetes. So much pressure is on her.

The family on my side really do not reach out to me, or me to them. They wouldn’t understand my emotions. I feel they would just rush in to saying the sweet nothings that mean so little these days. I am not their family, not really. I left that arena over 20 years ago.

Of local friends, I have none. The rest are scattered over the world and cannot assuage my condition. It is my own to bear. They have their own concerns and their own places on their own individual stages.

Lightning strikes and makes the fires burn. My mottled clay body remains. I’m really not that important. In the scheme of things, I am one in too many billions of people. I will live and die without a hiccup from the universe.

Thus is my impact.

Date Night

Moon to thee, I see

Trees to breeze, they seize

Colored skies, a guise

Downward smile, beguiles

Light and dark, do spark

Brains and brawn, carry on

Images of Me

We all carry different shades and have different powers as these variations come into fruition. The tattoos and scars we carry tell us the story of our lives. They call out the successes an failures. They call out the hopes and dreams. The call out the nightmares and horrors. They call out to us because they are us.

One tribe.

One love.

One people.

One blood.

Evolution is taking place in the hidden places. Knowledge is being passed down from parent to child. The population is rippling with energy and potential that is untapped. Tuning into that energy is going to be the key to breaking through the barriers that are set in place.

And here we are again.

There are times where I feel I could disappear and not more than a few people would even bat an eye.

Depression does this to a soul.

Building a Fire