Thursday, January 05, 2017

Here I Am, Doing

There are days that there seems to be a significant lack of coffee. Or sleep. Or rest. Or Gods-knows-what-else. Still, here we are. I’m feeling nostalgic for a time when I could leave the gravity of my current life on the back burner. But that gets us nowhere rather than now here.

I’ve worked hard to build my life. There are things that I’m not satisfied with, to be sure, but these are projects that are constantly in progress. What I’m talking about it is the creation of words, putting them on the page, the management of my Diabetes, and the seemingly ever-present need to be upwardly mobile.

These are, of course, first-world problems. I do not have to remind myself that so many others would be blissfully happy with everything I’ve built over the years. I do not need to remind myself that I’m astoundingly blessed with good friends (although I wish they weren’t scattered all over the globe) and a loving family (ditto).

Mistakes have been made along the way, but I believe that’s natural. There is no guide when we begin. We have to learn what do to on the way. We have to keep those lessons, but not dwell on them. And here’s what this piece of prose/monologue/soliloquy is all about.

I have a longing in my heart and soul to keep and create words for everyone. I would wish the quote I hear about the world needing less successful men and more artists were even somewhat true to life. I dream that I could work on my projects full time without consequence of negative financial impact.

Again, the dichotomy. Many others would give their eye-teeth to have what little I have been blessed to receive. These are the folks who are working and working and working to have less than the average. These are the ones who are being taken advantage of just to get to that carrot that is dangling just out of reach. It is always out of reach.

I see us all in various stages of that horse and cart scenario. Some of us horses have been locked up and walking the same route, we don’t know any better. Some of us have been elevated to more than a tool. Some of us have even been given a roomy place to sleep and eat. Some of us don’t have to pull the cart anymore.

The reality is that I may never, in my mind, earn a place amongst the various word heroes that are in a different stage than myself. I may never see myself as a ‘successful writer,’ whatever that means.

The fact that I string letters together into sentences and sentences into paragraphs, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, means that I am a successful writer. The fact that I have earned monetary payment for some of these collections of words means that I am a paid successful writer.

Am I happy with it? Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m absolutely thrilled that my words were used. I’m glad that others were able to enjoy them. What I’m not satisfied with is my lack of making the time, yes it is on me, to create more.

It seems so simple. It seems too simple.

If I want to create more, I need to simply create more. If I want to make more stunning art, I need to art harder. If I want whatever it is that fills my eyes at the moment, I have to figure out a way to get it.

As I said, mistakes are a natural part of learning. Stretching boundaries and finding out what attracts readers is hit and miss. Readers are a fickle lot. Influential readers are doubly so. Writers are even more fickle than the influential readers.

We battle with our words and skills in order to produce. We have a constant nagging voice in the back of our minds asking if we are worthy enough and promoting doubt. Do we hit the publish button or not? Do we use this word or that one? Do we scrap the avant-garde story line with the deep and meaningful allegories to life or push it out even if no one would understand it?

I can only find out by putting the pieces out there. I can only succeed by doing, and failing, and seeing that everyone out there has made the same kind of mistakes. Everyone wears the blinders and pulls the cart. Everyone sees the other one as successful. Everyone has seen a success and thought, “I want that.”

The only solution is to do and keep doing.

So, here I am, doing.

And I need more coffee.

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